SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

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this maybe the longest blog that i ever have. it carries all the memories. perhaps its time to put a fullstop to this not so wonderful fairytale ending. i can carry on hoping and praying that things will happen, but each time i don't get what i want in return. if i got it, i don't mind waiting forever. but reality differs from dreams right? yup. so i can't do much besides being sad, crying and avoiding those things that will make me feel worse.

it was about four yrs plus ago since i know you. and i got to know you through weihui cause she like you at that time and wanted me to help her. and you told me that you were caught in between her and another person and din want me to tell her; but somehow she got to know about it and i got scolded by you. you were super mad at that time and i was caught in between the both of you. i remembered asking caleb for help. in the end we got super close and started liking each other. then we got together behind weihui's back. for one month: during that month we fought and quarrel every alternate days. it was terrible i had to admit. and in the end we broke up cause weihui got to know about it. cause she told me that she still ahs not given up on you and i had no choice but to tell the truth to her. then i was termed as the bitch in her eyes and we were no longer godsis. then we stop contacting each other.

then came the time when we were sec 3. times somehow changed for the better. though i was with a couple of guys. things sisn't last long. den i got to know singnan through npd cause he was just standing in front of me. he said that you were a violent kind. i was kinda shoclk by his comment but i kept quiet about it. then later we started talking again; got very close in the end. we pratically talked everyday. and you were there for me when i was super down, when i needed someone so badly. you were so understnading, so helpful. so sweet. yup. so unknowingly i liked you again. but i din say much about it. on the day when you were aobut to fly to japan, you gave me a call to tell me that and asked me to take care. i was touched. very touched. cause it was darn sweet. during th period when you were away i was counting down everyday. hoping to talk to you again. i missed you terribly i have to admit. when you came back, i confessed that i like you, and you did so too. i don't know whether it's heaven who is playing a trick on us or was it affinity. i was waiting for you to ask, for you to say something. but you never did. so in the end i got attached to someone else. you were sad and everything, and you kept away from me.

then later i broke up. came back to you asking if you like anyone. you said that you don't and i asked if there was a chance of us being together again. though you have not asked it directly, those terms and words that you used brightens up my day a lot. i still remembered what happened vividly. from then on fro the next 9 months, it was total bliss, though there were tears, there were more smiles and sweetness to make the pain fade away. we only quarreled twice and broke up once. cause of weihui. she's always the one making things go the other way, but still you chose to believe in her. i said nothing cause i trusted you. you were so protective of her, always keeping our relationship in the dark. then came the final breakup when you had so much problems and you just kept it from me while i wasn't in a good mood. so in the end, oil was added on to the fire and things got out of hand. your 20 messages of scolding and swearing. but i did not retaliate. for the first time i did not retaliate when people scold me. tears jsut begin to flow down. i blamed myself for being so unreasonable, for not knowing what you are going through, for not being there to support you through your difficult times. i tried tons of way to make it up to you. but each time you just push me away. you will just put down my phone calls or not pick them up, refusing to meet me. each time i fail, i bacame more and more heartbroken but this was not known to you. i just wanted you to know that i was there and had to be strong. i thought that maybe you din want me to sorry that's why you push me away each time and so on.

and so the one year went pass just like this. we get closer then distant, this have become part of a periodic routine. each time i need reassurance, you will just start to aviod me then later talk to me again. you did reassuare me. but there are circumstances when actions speak louder than words, but nothing came. again i kept quiet, always hoping that something would happen. but it never. i tried my best t oreassure you. but each time i did that, there were no returns. and each time i got more and more disappointed, sad. but all thses are kept to myself cause i don't want you to stress so much. but i know nothing changes cause i kept asking for reassurance and no replies were given. i have never hear the three words ever since we broke up, i am tempted to say that in the msessages, but i don't wanna stress you up. that's y i am so eager to know what's in the valentine's day message. it hurts to know that you are keeping so much from me. from weihui's incident, to friends, to school to your feelings. i know that i was a pure idiot when i did not call you that time when you asked me to, but that was because i was busy. and you scolded me again cause of that. when i said that i was going overseas to study, i wanted you to stop me, but you din. and a lot more. i wanna hold on to this glimpse of hope, but it's hard, really hard. so much of oyu is imprinted in my heart and mind.

9:49 AM;