SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

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here to blabber again. found out something. sth amazing. haha. the person who will understand me very very well is rena skx! of all people. haha! not trying to say anything la. but it's just unexpected la. maybe it's due to the fact that we are just born two days apart, with the same horoscope. k. lets name the similiairty. 1. we get very pissed when we are awaken from our sleep. 2. we will throw temper after that happens. 3. we have a fiery temper when provoked. 4. we just keep things within ourselves most of the times. 5. we are just autistic kids at times. 6. we don't explain for some issues and keep it mysterious. 7. we think a lot a lot. till its out of the range that we should be thinking 8. we always go in roundabouts and end up nowhere.

haha. got attached to ling hui today. and our sweetness is killing the class. haha. damn funny la. we were still abusing each other the day before. i just refused to give her paper and was snatching with her la. then end up beating her hands. then she pinched me la! so horrible. dman pain and red. haha. then suddenly we made peace the next day and ended up together! haha. july 11th 2006! haha. ok. though i have yen already. i'm still having another one! oh man! yen sorry! still love you k? hahaha. together for one year plus already. time to look around for new targets. oops! no la. all my dears are important k? hahaha. k i only have two. so don't be mistaken. haha.
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i'm tired of what's happening. real tired. i need strength from someone whom i can depend on to face things more than i need any direction of indication. it's just too much pressure with nothing that is working out. the presence of that person may or may not be there already. k. maybe that person is there and it's just me. i'm just too afraid to get too close, just too afraid that the answer might not be what i want, just too afraid that that person might back off. ya. we all need to try to get the answer right? we can't just base it on one thing and rule out the rest. i know. but it's so much easier said than done. after the barrier is being build.

mum is going away for her company trip on sis's birthday. i don't know what to say or what to do. i jsut hope that sis is fine with it. don't wanna see her getting all upset on her birthday. really wish that i can do something. but on the other hand, there's nothing that i can do. just hope that my mum will be able to purchase some stuff that my sis want from her overseas trip. but there are a lot of things that can't be replaced by materialistic means.

it suddenly dawned on me that i may lose something or someone that means so much to me the next moment. i am afraid of that. very afraid. though you don't seem to care, but when the person is gone. regrets will start choking you. and you will miss everything of that person, even if it's a flaw. i guess that's how true love and friendships come about. so what if you have everything you want? what's the point of it if you don't have anyone to share it with? money can buy almost everything but not feelings and emotions. and i hate to deal with issues about money. not that i'm so tight up or anything. i just don't like to see the unhappiness caused by money issues. i am sick of it.

i feel so stretched-over-the-limit when i deal with your issue. i just don't know how to deal with the pressure that you are exerting. i really don't know. yes it's my fault for certain matters. but i did give you many many options. so why does it end up with me being the one controlling everything now? things are just getting out of hand. so what if we meet up? things may not get any better judging by the current situation. are you gonna do what you did in the past after that?i just don't know what to do. and i guess not in the right frame of mindto deal with it. i am sorry.

hope was given. then taken back again. maybe i deserved it for whatever that i have done in the past. and it's karma that is acting on me now. or maybe it's cause of the shock that i gave the other day. i just wanted to know the truth. so ya. i guess it's all about avoiding to keep it cool to think things through again. how much longer is this gonna take? when i have given up, you made a u-turn, and now you left me there in the lurch again.

i want the past back. i really want. but i can't just bring myself to say that. especially when that tone is used. it was my fault that i let it go. that i disappointed you time and again when you tried so hard to reach out for me. i am sorry. even if things aren't going on too well for you, i do not have the courage to ask. unlike the past when you just whined and complained to me regardless of when. what and where. it's me that let you down. and it's so hard to just get it back now. i don't know where to start when i am snapped by you each time.

why does things seem obvious and not obvious all at one go? why can't people just stop acting like as though nothing is happening and hide all their emotions and refuse to admit a single bit about anything. even about things that are out of that issue. maybe i am thinking too much again. maybe.

during training today. i realised something. an answer that i have been soughting for. after so long i finally got it. though i have been trying hard for some stuff. but i have seemed to give up on some also. unlike the past. that was what my motivation used to be. and i strived so hard towards it. something that i have been fighting for. due to some problem, i have really forsaken it somehow. judging by the performance though i have not been doing well. i don't know how to get that motivation back. i really don't know. i jsut feel so disheartened. maybe bk was right. it's my fault. i shoud have followed his advice eons ago and things would have been much better.

11:07 AM;