SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.

Monday, July 24, 2006

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bascially this entry is gonna sound damn emo as usual. heh. firstly, when to meet nessa in bukit batok after eating at causeway point. she's been complaining that i am too busy to even meet up with her. haha. AUNTIE. youe schedule clashes with mine k! so don't complain. gave her a hug. haha. just a hug to many, but it really meant a lot to me! just so like those that we had in the past. hugs were just so common in girls schools. haha. just a form of encouragement, comfort and telling the other person that you are always there. then accompanied her home, she had the thought that i was going home from her house since I had a straight bus back. but no. took a bus to tampines instead. on the way. was thinking about quite a number of things as usual. then from tampines took a bus home. haha. from woodlands to bukit batok. then to paya lebar. then to tampines. then home. haha. madess. but i enjoy long rides that allow me to think without hinderance. nessa, whatever it is. things will be fine k? it's just a matter of time that people will learn, and the only way that we can help them is to be there to guide them, not force them to listen to us cause it may backfire ya?

spoke to clarissa yesterday. it's been so long since we had a serious good talk. though it wasn't much or any heart-to-heart talk it's just the level of understanding that really comforted me somehow. at least there's someone out there who knows the thoughts and feelings running inside me. when i din even say much. it's really amazing. at least i know that such people exist!

and thanks jeremy for enlightening me on certain facts that i have missed and overlook somehow. you made me realise that life isn't what i depict it to be. at least there's something that i can cling on to.

just had the sudden influx of thinking about the people surrounding me. some of them falling right in front of me. but yet. there's little that i can do to help. the helplessness, disappoinment and sadness that i feel is eating me bit by bit. but the only thing that i can do is to be there for them. and sometimes to help them will only make you wonder whether it's really doing them a favour or brining more harm to them.

sometimes being numb is the only choice out, cause no emotions would be felt and at least the pain and unhappinesss will go away for awhile. but someone told me that, being numb is just a way of avoidance and it goes to show that you have not gotten over the hurt and pain that has been inflicted on you. and sometimes after awhile it will make you feel worst instead of better cause all the emotions that were being locked inside you will explode and may cause an even worst outcome.

i guess everyone just need some breathing space somehow, sometime and somewhere along their paths. and on top of that they just need their own freedom and free space. i'm just hoping that i am given all those and own free will of choice and chances. just don't go overboard and step beyond the line that you are supposed to when i have chose the other way and made it clear. when i have chose to termed you as otherwise and not something else.

after so many times of trying. i have failed to reach out to you again. and i guess this was the last straw. the last of everything. i am tired of this whole thing. i'm tired of making endless effort and taking tons of initaitve when all i get is just the same old treatment each time. maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. maybe it wasn't. but i am tired of this dilemma and whatever not. i have said what i wanted to say, did what i wanted to do. and it still ended up being all the same. not even a single word to assure me. even after one year plus. i jsut feel like an overstretched rubber band breaking free from the elasticity and grip.

where can i get peace? just a quiet place when i can just stone without needing to worry about anything or just to get rid of the load that i have?

9:22 AM;