SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.

Monday, June 12, 2006

title:{}

just thought of penning down my thoughts since i am darn bored though i am trying to force myself to study. ya. some parts of it done. at least i am not spending my day and time away just like that.

sighs. i just can't seem to get some thoughts out of my head no matter how hard i am trying. ya. i guess i couldn't help it either. so there i was. trying to make things better, but in the end made myself seem even more foolish than ever. and at the end of the day there was no reply. sighs. i don't even know if you are happier with all these. i am lost. yeah that's the word.

i finally got myself to volunteer to do something. really since i have promised you last week. ya. but obviously you didn't believe that i would keep it by giving me the fucked up attitude and askng me to do more things. and when i tried to defend myself you just kept quiet, and some other people's comment was even worst. it made me seem like a loafer, a good-for-nothing. i tried helping when i can and all that. but it doesn't seem to matter. sighs. i was mad. i was sad. i couldn't help it but cried a little. so much for changing. sometimes you really wanna try and change. but nobody is giving you a chance. so in the end i threw tantrum and din bother about what you were saying and you just left me alone. ya but later you asked me to do even more stuff, but i just ignored and you threw your tantrum too. but believe me i am too used to it that i am not bothering anymore.

there's training again tomorrow. rah. why do i feel so stress and no longer the happiness that i used to feel when i see the ball. why? it is affecting everything during training. maybe it's the lack of experience, i really don't know. but i want this feeling to go away. i hate that feeling. how long more is it gonna stay within me. i wanna be happy while playing. am i stressing too much til nothing good is coming? am i too tired and i should just take some time off? i shall try to relax and have a change of attitude from now on. no more of that i am tired of doing this and that. i really have no idea. sighs. can someone just draw a smile on my face now.

i really tried to be nicer to you. and i hope that it's working. i am trying to tolerate all the bad points that i see in you. those that i hated in the past. i don't need you to see the change, i just want you to be happier. and i want some people to change their attitude also. i think that it's not fair to you. sighs. what can i do? nothing again.

all the studying plan that i made for the holidays have come to a naught. it is so not working. except for the exercises that i have forced myself to do. maybe it was a good idea that i din choose to go to a JC afterall. a brilliant idea indeed. once again my dad is right. all i can do is to study for the upcoming test now so that i won't screw it up again. and i hope i can really so well this time round.

the only good and happy thing today was that i bought a watch. a arena one. look rather sporty and a bit of that vintage feel. haha. i don't know why i like it either. rah. i hope that liking don't die off so fast. and ya. buying a new phone is another big problem as i guess i do not have enough cash for the model that i want and i don't wanna ask for money. i don't wanna be so dependent on others. sighs.

i just need some help from the person up there in heaven. into his hands i lay my emotions, problems, needs and wants.

10:43 AM;