SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.

Friday, June 09, 2006

title:{}

have u ever wondered why promises are made and some will just keep it no matter how hard it takes; while some would just say and nothing will be done. then people will just do and say things that they can never undo it ever again. like breaking someone's heart. do they realise how much it hurts, just for someone to try so hard, and they shut that person out after so long. never mind. i don't expect people to understand; people only live for themselves right?

i don't know what to say or do anymore. maybe i have not tried my best, buy at least i did what i could during those difficult times. remember those words, those promises, all resulted in nothing. and a mess that i have to clear in the end, the pieces which i have to mend back when i thought that i would not have to do it again. maybe you are feeling this too. maybe not. i have no idea. i really don't. i feel so out of your life. now and forever more. i made a promise and i am going to keep it no matter how hard it is. how painful it is. i thought you were busy with studies, yes consoling myself indeed. when i know you did replied someone else's message. i just had to pull myself together and act as if nothing hs happened and continue smiling. is that acting successful? i don't know, and it will not matter anymore. and because of you, you ahve affected me so much and with other problems, everything seem to be going the wrong way, a wrong turn on the roads. i will understnad and just stay out of your life from now on, just like the promise that i made. just saw the video that shih ling asked me to watch on you tube and the song goes "our love is my regret".=(

cause of you. a lot of other changes are happening. i am changing to the past again. to avoid to heck. i know that it will cause more pain. i know that it's wrong. but i don't know what else i can so. trying to stop that from happening. what can i do to make things better. nothing at all. sighs. never mind i will brave through all these through i don't know what.

you are slowly fading away. those times that i was being mistreated is slowly fadinginto the background, while real situations are surfacing. you are fading away. all those hatred that i have seems to be going away suddenly. i don't know what to do? what am i suppose to do? my attitude used to suck, cause of the way that i was treated. but now i don't know anymore. i really wanan be nice to you again. to be there when you need me. but i am scared that i will take things for granted and mistreat you again. i really don't know what to do. except to try real hard now

i can see the problem in the family. i just hope that it is not gonna be that terrible again, and people can have a change in attitude towards certain people. it doesn't help by shriking responsibilities ya? i really do. and i wish that money is not always the issue though it's really important.

i feel the responsibility as being the oldest. from chores, to taking care of certain issue, to the kind of education that i take which is different from my sister. and i sorta have a plan that is waiting for me. i don't want that, i don't have the interest in whatever is that. but i have no choice. sighs. is it meant to benefit me or what. just free me from the stress is that ever possible.

church has become more like an obligaion than willingness. i don't know why. it's not that i don't wanan commit. i find church great, at least i feel peaceful there. but i don't know why is this happening. i really wanan commit to Gen again, but i don't have the energy and the spirit to do so. plus so many peopel has left. but i feel guilty when i see josh and the rest. and again i am gonna turn down jon's outing. RAH. when he msges me i am always away. how great can this get.

vball is not helpnig much either. it's giving me stress, fear and a lot more unknown negative feelings. i know that i am not focused on trainings. how? i really wanan improve and so on. but i just cant do it with all those things running through my mind, i tried drawing a line in between them. but it don't work everytime. i shall just listen to the seniors and accept their help while doing other stuff to improve my coordination. i hope it helps. i really do. or else i will really be hopeless already.

and yes. my grades have taken a nosedive al lthe way to the bottom. i really hope that i can think through and so on. i had it. i relaly don't wanna affect my grades anymore. i am sick of it. real sick. it's also due to the pressure that i have in class when some people are extra outstanding though they are just smoking their way through. and i ahve yet to go through anything suring the hols except for a little little bit. and i have not started on PP. i really wish that i can make the fullest use of the next week to do my stuff. i have been concentrating too much on vball for the past week that almost everyday is spent on it. maybe i lack too much on time management, and i ahve to acquire that skill all over again. sighs.

8:16 AM;