SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

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actually i have thought of a lot of things that i might pen down in this entry, but once i open this post thingy and started writing. it seemed like i have nothing to say at all. all the thoughts are gone. i've come to realise a lot of things that have been happeing around me. not directing at anyone. but these are just thoughts.

has anyone had the thought that they are just budening someone out there that they choose to keep quiet about everything that has been happening to them? has anyone realised that the worst damage that can happen to a person is when a love one is gone, especially when you depended on that person a lot and had put in a lot of emotions and concerns? had anyone had the idea that money isn't everything and that some relations are more important than that? has anyone thought about fighting so much for something or someone and in the end getting nothing in return?

has anyone reliase how much hurt and damage is being inflicted on all the parties involved in the fight? has anyone ever realise that it's so hard for someone to come by, that they have to really treasure what they have before they lose them? has anyone realise that drifting apart actually hurts? have you ever tried to put yourself in other shoes before blaming them for what they have done? has anyone ever thought about the pressure that they have caused on the other person and help out in the end?

i have to admit that i have not been a hypocrite to some of the questions up above. but who isn't? even a saint makes mistake.i am trying. and that's the only crucial part i guess.
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blogger system sucks. due to the connection error, i tried to save the draft first in case everything's gone. then when i am back to retreive that entry and everything is gone. i speny quite some time writing that. only to know that it has all been erased. sighs. never mind i will rewrite everything again. if i can really remember everything.

it is much easier just sitting at the side keeping quiet, notice the people around and the mistakes they make and correct them. but it's harder to get up, face reality, take note of your mistake and correct yourself. the biggest enemey is actually yourself and not the strongest people out there. if you can't even overcome your barrier how can you overcome the pressure and obstacle that others have set for you?

at the beginning of the semester, i was hardworking, attentive and diligent. but as time passed, things changed, i have been slacking more and more. it's partly due to my own problem and stuff, but also partly due to those selfish people in class who refuse to share their knowlege and continue to brag and boast about their knowledge. these people are the real slackers who only live for themselves without having the idea of helping others. plus, due to the lack of sleep, it's even harder to concentrate in class, though i am not the only one out there. but it's not very nice to do that. and all these have caused a nosedive in my grades, and my fac is not very happy about it either. and i have not even start on PP. i really hope that i will not get distracted anymore and just work hard when the new term starts, i don't wanna end up with nowhere after three years.

someone in the family is fading away and yet i can't do anything about it. i have to admit that we are not even close in the first place. due to the biasness, responsibilties and treatment that i have received in the past. but once i got to know that you may leave anything i really wanna treat you better whether you appreciate it or not. i will really try to tolerate to make you feel at least a little happier. but sometimes i just can't take it anymore and can't tolerate. but i will feel gulty and all that when i don't give the proper treatment. i am so afraid that i can't see you anymore and that whenever you doze off it will be the last time that i will ever see you. that you will never open your eyes again. but i can't do anything about it.

and my uncle is jsut another big disappointment. he's suppose to be one of the more filial children, but it ended up with him pushing her to us while he lives his own life with his grandchildren. and when she was discharged from the hospital, he din even drop by for a visit to see how she is. even my auntie did so already and she's staying all the way in the northen part os singapore. so what more him whose staying not far from my house. he's all retired and has tons of time besides his badminton trainings. but what can i say i will have to respect him regardless of what's happening.

being the eldest in the family isn't helping any of my situations at all. it just make me feel more stressed and burden. i am suppose to be the best and that one that excel no matter what it takes. and my younger siblings can jsut take things much easier. when my sister is stuck in some discipline problem is school, i am the one that the teacher will first contact, i will be the one who need to counsel her and guide her towards the right path. when her studies are a flop, i am the one who is suppose to help her, tuition her when i don't even have time for myself sometimes, or sometimes she's even too lazy to ask me. and i still have to do what they expect of me no matter how exhausted i am, when i thought that i can have some peace at home. i just have to follow the path and route that my parents set for me, while my sisters have a free will of what they want. and yet they are still bitching, complaining and whining that their lives sucks.

volleyball is another thing that has been hovering in my mind. the passion, happiness and fighting spirit that i once have was gone. i am sure that i am not the only one feeling that in the team. and now i am trying so hard to get the feeling back. and i am getting it back little by little. but now and then i will be disheartened by the progress and the coordination problem that i am facing. the unity of the team is also another worrying issue. everyone is hiding something about themself from the other party and that's what keeping everyone from anyone else. and if that happends, how is the team ever gonna get closer? sighs. but i can't say anything cause i myself am just keeping a lot of stuff to myself. and maybe we have been trying hard to keep the team united and bonded that everyone is tired.

volleyball has brought the both of us super duper close. and i am thankful for it. during the times when i am down, you have really brought laughters and smile to me, and been there for me. but i can see that we have diferent ideologies towards many many things. our approaches towards a lot of things are totally different. i am not trying to say that i have a better or more matured mindset, but it is just different. and i am envious of your fighting spirit, it's just that i have not make anything known. no matter how hard i am trying i'm always just one step below in fighting spirit and i am not feeling good about it.

i guess you have been waiting to see us split up. i guess it's time for retribution, and i have to pay for the price that i owe you. it has been four years since those stuff. but i guess that it's hard to just let bygones be bygones. though it was you who got to know him and like him first, but i was the one who ended up with him though i was suppose to help you guys get together. but we can't force something that is not even happening to happen. then later you broke us up twice, and each time i just let it go and get over it. whenever i try to bring up the flaws that i see in you, he will just deny it and will only believe when he sees that in person. then again i didn't say anything. now that almost everything is over, you are still the one laughing the loudest although you are already with someone else. all that i can say is that i am still not over him, i am still worried and concern about his well being. but i guess it's better to let him concentrate on what's imporant before he ruin his future. i guess that's the best solution that i can actually think of alreay. i have already done what i could. and i have given him enough time to explain it all. but nothing comes back to me.

due to some problem that i have and due to the fact that i was avoiding some freako, i just kept skipping youth group since last april after school started. i know that that's the wrong way of handlnig things. but i just couldn't help it. i just don't see the committment there anymore plus so many people have left the group. i just can't bring myself to go back even when joshua kept urging me to do so. plus church has somehow became more like an obligation then willingness. sometimes i will just stone in church without getting anything inside my thick skull. but i think the situation is changing for the better a little. though i still get distracted. but it's still much better than last time when my soul is not even there.

i just have the phobia of opening up to someone. i am afraid to fail even before i try. and each time get fail or get hurt the barrier around me will get stronger and more impregnable. i know that this is one of the worst way to deal with things. but to begin with i was an introvert person and that i don't speak much in the past. it was someone who make me open up and came close, but in the end she drifted away, and we don't even talk now though she's on my friendster list. maybe someone like her will show up. or maybe i am jsut the one not opening up even though there are people who are like that in my life.i just hope that i can really open up to those who care instead of hurting them by pushing them away. i really do hope so.

8:15 AM;