SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

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i'm gonna pen down all my feelings, thoughts and so on in here. though it's gonna be a long entry. i hope that you will spend some time reading it. i don't need an action to be taken. i just hope that you will not misunderstood anything anymore. and if there's still a glimpse of hope, i hope that i will see you at the other end of the rainbow after the rain has stopped.

throughout this period of time, which is almost one year. a lot of things have happened and occurred. i know that many many bad things have happened to you, and i have not been there throughout the whole period. i have been trying real hard to reach hard to you. i remembered how you tried to shut me out; you refused to meet me, to talk to me, hung up my phone and so on. but i din say anything about it. but deep down it really hurts, but i had to put a strong front for you. be strong for you. to let you know that i'm there at least. till the recent new year when you opened up to me, i din know how to feel. but i know that at least you have opened up to me, slowly things begin to change for the better. till v day. maybe i was the one who spoiled it. maybe i should have jsut kept quiet. ya i am the spoiler.

i really wish to know whether weihui said the right thing. os much of me wanna believe you. but your hesitant made me ponder even deeper. i know that she has been wrecking havoc since day one and you have put a lot of trust in her and refuse to believe things unless you sae it with your own eyes. i will never lie to you about such stuff. now that she has done such a hugr damage and blow, i don't need you to believe me, i just want you to see her true colours. both of you are just contradicting each other. and she kept on asking how are we and what am i gonna do about you. this kinda guy who mislead ppl and so on. like i said, as long as you are happy with your decision, i am happy too. i don't want you to be pressured or sad about everything. but i know that i have been pressing you for certain stuff. i am sorry. all i want is just to be there. nothing more. even if i have to keep quiet and said nothing at all.

quite a number of people have asked me to leave you. but i din. i know you had a reason for everything you do. i trust your maturity. but pushing me is not a solution. it will make both parties feel worst.it hurts to know when you replied others and not my msgs. but i continued to put on a smile in front of them when i feel terrible inside. i used to envy those couples who quarrelled on the tv, cause they manage to patch and make up and got even closer. but when i am the main lead, i feel otherwise. i just wannna be there. when problem arises, i feel like a stranger. maybe it is your way of protecting me, but you promised me to open up to me before.

cause of you i managed to stop drinknig and cutting for a long long time. i don't knoe why but you managed to do it. till now. though i have began to drink a little now. but whenever i thought about it, the first person that come to my mind will be you. there were many times when i jsut wanna lean on a shoulder and you were not there, and you never reply me. i told myself that it's ok. maybe you were just busy. but the next day people will tell me that you are free and replied their sms. it's reali ok. if i am the last person you wanna talk to,i will jsut keep quiet. it was my fault. you wanted to open up to me on sat, i wasted the chance. i ahve no one to blame but myself.

i wanted to give it a last go, to hear that you don't wanna say goobye to me when i said htat i may be going to australia, to see you all worked up when i said that my friend was gonna matchmake me. cause i remembered you said that i was still important to you and you would rather spend time with me than your ogs. that you don't want me to feel sad. maybe i did underestimate myself too much. i know that you are going through a lot of things plus a block test that is coming up,i won't bother you ya. solve what's important and urgent. i won't press you anymore. i don't wanna see you get tied down, stressed and upset about all those problems anymore. i wanna see a carefree spirit. the old you you that i knew long ago. at least that can bring back the smiles on your face. the one that i fell in love with, the one that cheered me up, the one that protected me, that one that was there for me, that one that became my pillar and my strength.

8:38 AM;