SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

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have and had the mindset of blogging, but each time i log in, i don't know what to say. sighs. life's getting kinda screwed up. am i putting on strong front in front of people but deep inside i feel like crying. the smile on my face is just there to make it seem that i am ok and that no one will worry. =

besides messy, i don't know how to describe it anymore. the whole situation is so messy, awkward, hostile and distant. who's the real culprit who's behind all these? can someone tell me? whether i should be angry with that person or the godbro? yes, the treatment is hot and cold at the moment, but more of hositilty. can i do anything to salvage it? to let it be normal all over again? why does that blardy person have to open his or her mouth? one moment you are this, the next moment you are that. so what am i suppose to do? RAH!

ypu mentioned something about not keeping in contact with me anymore.so why are you giving me the puzzle? do you want something else in return? i don't know if it's really right to meet up with you? i don't want the situation to get any worst. i don't wanna make you feel more miserable than you are already feeling. please tell me what you ahve in mind and what you wanna do. is that possible? i wonder..

so what's gonna happen next? things being stagnant again? how long more is this gonna take? forever? i have a limit, and i am pushing it to the max for you. just to catch you when you fall, to be there for you at all times. how about me? have you spared a thought about how i would feel. the awkward silence that never exist in the past.

yes i am one of the worst so what? you have the right to criticise my skills, but you have no right to crush my level of confidence and morale. people have consoled me and asked me to continue to fight on. but it's hard to stand up again from that fall. especially when you are all ready to try all over again. when you fhave finally made up your mind, when you have begin to put in the effort, when you are willing to to try, when you have asked others to support you. though what you guys have said really make sense, but it hit me real hard. jsut cause of certain flaws that i ahve, i am labelled as the worst, and looked down upon. how much more do i have to take? i regret not listening to bk and do what he told me. if i had things would have been better and things would have changed. at least to a certain extent. that's one of the worst mistake i have made. i hope it's not too late to change it, cause i have already taken the steps and actions.

i feel a little off and that i am forcing myself to make u accept me again. i was wrong. i let you down. i have built defences around myself to prevent anyone from enterting to prevent myself from any hurt. it was very seflish od me i know. i am sorry. please tell me what i can do to make things better and to make you feel wanted by me. i just don't wanna let you slip out of my memory just like that.

i have finally got to see some people's true colours. disdain is the only word i can think of. someone who actually backstab someone who's so close to her. doesn't this ring a bell? a few months back, i have received the same treatment due to money. i saw the disappointed looks in her eyes. she being left out. how i wish i can do something to make her feel better. at least to make her feel wanted by the team. i hope i can change her mindset and that she will not miss out any trainings due to that again.

what's a family for when you just choose to throw a close one away when she wanted you? i enver expect myself to hear that news. NEVER. it never came across my mind that you will be this kinda person. how would oyu feel if you were in her shoes? she's losing the last bit of respect and dignity that she held so closed to. the things she does can be quite pissing off at times, but you still should not ahve done that.

8:30 PM;