SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.

Monday, January 16, 2006

title:{}

i finally found some time to blog. and i really need to. at least to unload my sadness some where ans somehow. i feel horrible. terrible. sighs. i don't expect anyone to understand me, but just hope that they will console me. and i hope that that's not too much to ask for. sighs. yes. many things happened and i can't seem to find a solution for any of them. i have been trying to hang and cling on. but my strength is limited. and i am afraid i will fall soon. help. put on a strong facade, but the inside is so vulunerable and weak. now that i can blog. nothing seem to be in my mind anymore. =(

struggling with the identity of either this or that. i feel horrible. then go to church and act as if nothing has happened. how long more is this gonna go on for? i don't know. avoid youth group. kept running away. now i am far away from them. i don't know how to fit myself in or whether to go for it again or not. all i can do is to act that nothing has happened and to grasp on to the faith that i believe. and i hope that it will get stronger. at least that's something that will keep me going on. or rather one of the only things that i have now.

actions speak louder than words. does that sentence seem familiar? thinking back i was always the one that made words speak louder than actions. but i am trying hard to make the opposite happen. hoe about you? tons of words and sweet nothing that you have said just to cover the problem that's probably surfacing and suffocating us. perhaps i can't blame you either. after all you have your reason. i am just not ready to face whatever obstacle that you have it for me now. i am sorry for being cold. i've been let down time and again.

don't judge a book by it's cover. that sentence is formed with an ulterior meaining behind it. how i wish i can just see through those eyes of yours and know what you are and what kind of person you are. but that is never possible. blow hot and cold at different intervals. you made me go round and round and come back to square one. is that fair to me? why can't you be someone who's honest. at least i will know what to do even if i do not get the answer that i want.

i kept my promise. i went for training. but i seem to get more and more distracted and fan. y e i was tired. but it was jaut noather form of exucses. i tried to tell myself that i will be able to be like last time. i am able to concentrate. but i failed. what's the use of going if i can't do my best? and it's just to keep a promise and to let bk down by my level of performance? perhaps it's jsut the pressure and troubles that i have. that's not an excuse. i will try my best to draw a line in between training and my personal stuff. i must learn to be like that. i don't wanna let bk down.

treasure the chance that you have. i was wrong in not telling you anything at that time. but even if i do will it make a difference? after all, you knew what you wanted at that point of time. though it's like that now. i still want to be like last time. i don't want the distance and the hostility. lease do not avoid me ya? what can i do to make things better?

i just need a peaceful environment at home. i can no longer deal with the pressure and the expectations. yes i was wrong. but all these while i have been trying to be the good girl in your eyes. i've been trying hard. yes i ran away from responsibility. take a look at how busy i am and everything.i tried to put myself in your shoes to understand how you feel and why things are said from your mouth. how about you. have you tried? don't compare. cause i will never be able to do what others can do and vice versa.

i wasnt sarcastic. i really meant what i said. why are you so sensitive towards that? i know that you are trying hard just to make things right and to make me open up. but we are jsut two very different people from differnet worlds. i am sorry for shutting you out. but i just don't wanna deal with any pressure from you oryour problems cause it's really something that you just add it onto yourself. and i am sick of that.

yes you have been pourng your sadness and troubles to me. yes. i have not been telling you anything. but i just don't wanna add trouble on to you. you already have tons of it. was this a wrong approach that i have taken that backfired so much?

have you been trying to avoid me just to forget about everything? only you yourself know the answer now.

how am i suppose to say it out? how? i just don't wanna strain anything. i really don't know what to do.

i feel the distance. what happened? i really don't know. i wanna be like last time. can we? i don't want the awkwardness to exist. are we not matured enough to handle this?

i feel like running away from all these. i must block it out. yes i must and i will. i will take one step at a time. yes i will.

10:40 PM;