SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

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heh. just realise that i have not been blogging. had the intentions. but don't have the energy and time, so din blog in the end. i guess this is gonna be a very long entry again. RAH! so much time have happened within such a short time again. have been thinking a lot lately and realised that i did change. but don't know whether it's for the better or the worst. =

don't know what's wrong with me nowadays. on mon night, had a sudden giddiness all of a sudden, don't know what's wrong either. then vomitted once. on tues, vomited 5 times till there was nothing left in my tummy to puke. i doubt the food actually reached my stomach anyway. it's a bad way of losing weight man. then on top of that, still have throat infection. RAH! till now me head is still giddy! when to school for only half a day and came home to rest. don't know when am i gonna recover fully. i really wonder when... =(

had training on monday. was pretty fun! ziping is damn funny la. lame. outstanding is go outside and stand! so dots can! i wonder who did he ever pass his english. i think i seriously improved somehow. and i don't want it to stop. but i know that i have already set myself a standard in front of a lot of people. and i cant afford to drop from that level. i promise to work harder, so that i can be a better player. learnt a lot of things that i never learnt before, like how to jump higher while spiking, how to serve better and learn the thorough steps, and how to be a better libero (like how to make sure that i can receive the ball better and how to be more agile and flexible). many people have different standards for me now, i hope that i won't fail their expectations, and most importantly mine too. i was wondering whether i should go for training tomorrow since i am feeling not too well. sighs. i wanna train and improve. thanks bk for letting ziping to train us, cause we sorta asked for it, though it was a bit paiseh-ing.

i feel very pressurized for some lessons in school. it's like that faci has already a fixed standard for me and i can't perform any lower than that standard. they just don't know the amount of pressure that they are exerting on me. it's not making me feel any better. i am already trying somehow to perform. sighs. i just wanna ponteng school for that day. should i extent my mc since i am not well? i know it's a little of that coward thing. but i am afraid of disappointing that faci and mysel again. feel so pathetic. first time feel so pathetic after i fall ill, plus the pressure and the problems that keep flooding me. sighs! i wanna bag As back for my module, but just stop exerting excessive pressure on me. i don't think i can take that much. i am only a small puny soul. =(

all of a sudden i gave up on you. almost totally gave up already. i don't know why. maybe it is due to how i am treated by you. i know you have been trying to come closer, and i sorta withdrew a few times, till you gave up on trying? i don't know. nevertheless i am glad that i've asked you and warned you of something before you fell into danger. just realised that my attention towards you have ecame lesser. don't know why. but i still notice you. perhaps it's gonna be over soon. who knows right? lets just see what god has planned for us, just hope that everything will turn out fine and nobody will get hurt in this whole thingy. i'll take you for who you are, not for what you have. =)

people come and go. but i realised that i have not let you go. though i have been trying very hard to forget you, somewhere deep in my brain and heart, you still exist there. deep rooted there. and once again i've failed to let you go. time and time again, i did mention that i will succeed cause of what happened, and the lack of explanation. but time and time again i've failed. maybe it's cause of how you've managedto change me over the time, and how i've relied and depended on you. and vice versa. you've controlled your temper for me, and i have grown to think more maturedly cause of you. we have made a deep impact on each other. and that makes it harder to let go. although 7 months have passed, i am still waiting. i will give you the time that you've asked for. as long as you give me a satisfying explanation.

i think the barrier and distance between us are becoming bigger and higher respectively, i just can't communicate with you like how i used to anymore. i don't know why. maybe it's cause of the different routes that we take right now and in the future. may be you looked down on me, may be you din. but it doesn't matter to me. cause i will prove you wrong. and i mean it. from the beginning you have already looked down on poly kids. so what can i say right? the more you look down on me, the more i will prove you wrong, just wait and see. one day i will soar higher than you in the society. i will bring glory to the poly kids!

a god sibling has just told me that she has become very dependent on me. have i really become a pillar of strength for her? i'm the one whom she will seek when she is sad or angry. one that she shows attitude to. i'm scared that i won't be able to give her enough strength when she needs it and will end up giving her more pressure. after all i am not a perfect soul or a ultimate strength giver. how? i pray that she will be fine and survive the ordeal that she is facing now. nevertheless, no matter what happen, i still love her all the same, and it's a face that will never change. =)

thanks kok kor for showing your concern for me the last few days. you've been great. real great. i think your future partner is real lucky to have you. you will be there to hold the sky for her even though it tumbles down on her. i am sure of that. love you kor! jusy don't bully me so much la k. =

this week have been passing too quickly within a blink of eye. maybe it was due to my sickness. but ya. tomorrow is thursday already, then followed by friday! man! it's way too fast that i am not catching my breath. yikes!

thanks zu ren! you've been great too. taking good care of me. and wanting to help me buy food. just that ermz there's not much variety in school! thanks zu ren! you are great man! eh. milo with medicine is ok la! i din puke! heh. i will be careful and take good care of myself. you too leh! don't keep eating non-stop and sleep so much la! and most importantly don't be so stressed and playful and study hard for your math! get it over and done with ok! jiayou!lobs supports you all the way! heh!!

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