SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.

Monday, August 29, 2005

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updates on emotions. total crappiness. total disappointment. total sadness. wish that i i cna just grow wings and fly away at this instant. but then again, that is never possible, so what's the use of hoping? to disappoint myself again? i don't wish to. ya screwed things up. remain silent and solemn. that's the only thing that i iwsh to have now. at least that's to let me cool down. i need to forget at least a little of it. but how? i wanna be 18 to drink. now!

nobosy realised that i am sandwiched between so many sutff that is going on around me? people tell me stuff. but havent they notice that i may need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on at times? i am not a super girl. if i am i would have lfew away already. i am sick of this. for these situations, i can only aviod as much as possible without considering the consequences most of the time. i think i am going nuts. help! they just don't know how i feel. the more they try to take the responsibility for certain things, the more guilty i feel. and it's making everything worst. so in the end i will have to take up all the responsibility and do the appropriate reaction to remedy everything.

i know that i screwed up today's training terrible. am not myself at all. was silent. was quiet. din utter anything more that what i should say. mel said that i was weird. i admit. kkept quiet and said nothing more.i feel terrible. got hit by the ball on my face, head and waist. it hurts. but i kept quiet again. scrap my leg. kept quiet also. really din say much. din even crap like normal. bro took my ball to play and refust ot retur. at that instant, i as about to break down. yes just stand there and cry. he scolded me for going to trainnig and not wanting to try. i just wasnt in the mood for trying. i tried hrad. but i just coulndt spike. i gave up. in the end went to pick balls for the longest time ever. took the time to cool down and think about certain stuff. no matter how hard i try to get them out of my head, it just wouldn't work. i have no idea why. i promise that this will be the first and the last time that i am doing this. i just need some peace and space sometimes to settle some stuff ya. sorry bro that i disappoint you. i promise you that i will try to recover asap and hopefully by next trainig, you will br able to hear my laughter and see my improvement again. that's a deal ok?

MELISSA NG! i am not attitude ok. i just don't want to be extra in the conversation cause i most probably will not know who you are talking about except for someone. AH! i'm just not in the right frame of mind to talk about souch stuff. i need my quietness sometimes alright! PIG!

sometimes i feel that the value of money worth more than me. more imporant than me. maybe it's just me. squandering money even before i get a proper job and start earning my own expenditure. but this isnt the first time ya. i hate to listen to anything aobut it. not when i am liek these at least.

os you have finally decided to avoid me to the core. i am more disappointed than ever. never mind. do what you deem fit alright? nobody will force you or anything. i will not point a gun at you and force you either. you make the choice you want, lead the life you want. when you have finally decided on something. contact me. i just do not wish to place any hope on anyone now. i am devastated. the more hopes that i pinned on that person, the worst it will become, and in the end i am the one who ends up crying. maybe it's over spilled milk also. i don't wanna bother anymore, i give up. soon it will be totally.

held your hand again after such a long time. guess that was the only thing that made me feel a little better. really. i mean it. i was shy and act ignorant. sorry ya. but i could feel the warmth from your hand. i guess we both were too shy to actually reach out at first. just pretended to do other stuff and that nothing has happened. come to think of it, it's pretty sweet ya. =) at least you managed to make me smile abit. put of all the sadness and blues that i am having now. also thanks for being so sweet and nice for what you have done ya. helping me and taking th first apporach. i was just shy. as usual. shouldnt elaborate much. or else it will be too obvious. but thumbs up for you. =)

i am injured all over. hurts. but i will survive. though mentally and emotionally i ahve fallen down, but physically i am totally fit i guess. at least that part of me have not fallen yet. and i don't intend to let it fall either.

10:12 AM;