SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

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suddenly the whole world seems so big to me. and it's as though i am a failure or something. am i placing too much stress or is it the cause of all the things that are happening around me? i am sad. ya. in fact helpess. wishing that there's a hole in the ground for me to go into. but i know there isn't. too bad for me.

training was alright. kinda had to do the basics again. was a little embarrassed. but was thinking that i might as well establish a good foundation now before i embarrasse myself more in the future, especially in front of the future juniors. manage to spike over and gained a point for the team. kinda happy. now i know the satisfaction of winning. but still sorta stoned later although my name was screamed. sighs. don't know what's wrong. i'll improve. i will not let you look down on mw cause i know that i can do it. i won't succumb to stress. someone told me this "better as each day pass by". i hope that it is really happening. i'll put in more effort. for real this time round.

was selected for student union special project thingy. should i go? i know no one from there. except for one of the person there. if i really get into it, there will be more stress coming to me. how? three major school events that are gonna happen. how? i know that it's a rare opportunity and i shouldn't waste it.i really don't know. don't wanan tell those who signed up for scpm, can expect what their reactions would be already. i shall keep my mouth shut. sighs. =( life is not gonna get any easier than it is now. how?

pretending that we are strangers when we walked past each other isn't a good feeling ya. i wanted to say hi. i was just waiting for you to turn towards my direction. perhaps i only ahve myself to blame again. who ask me to give you the shy impression and cold shoulder? i don't know. i am sad. but all these are gonna be kept within me. besides for a few close people. ya. nothing more or less. full stop. trying hard not to think. i will make it.

why is everybody expecting something from me. can we have a change of roles instead. i am trying very very hard to stay strong. nut the longer i withstand against this storm, the more i wanna break down. someone has been cutting herself. i really don't know how to approach her or talk to her. i know she's looking for me desperately and i am being selfish. but i reall don't know what i can do. i will end up doing hte same thing that she is doing or cause her to cut even more? how? i wanna be comatosed. the end.

i am disappointed ya. i have been waiting for a reply. but none came. someone had to tell me some stuff which i thought was the opposite. am i just someone whom you craves sympathy from? what have i fall into again? please tell me i am wrong. i wanna be wrong. i don't wanna be right in this case. i wanna know what's happening and all the opposite. never mind. i will get used to this.

i don't wanna go there. stop asking me ya? i just wanna stay where i am now and not a step forward or backwards. i don't wanna be that person that you hope that i will be and i will never be. i just wanna be myself. no more and no less. period.

9:20 AM;